“What am I doing out here? Listen, Bob, don’t get all Henry David Thoreau on me, or I’ll get all Ralph Waldo Emerson on you.”
“What am I doing out here? Making ten grand a pop, just for showing up, telling a few dumb jokes and roaring my ass off. Learn the language, Bob. Learn the language.”
“The idea is this kid shows up and pulls a thorn out of your paw. And then you lick him. But, you know, just a lick. And this time try not to look at the camera.”
“I know you hate tofu. Everyone hates tofu. But if you go on Ellen as Steve the Vegan Lion, you will kill. And if you don’t go on Ellen as Steve the Vegan Lion, someone else will.”
“Two legs good, four legs bad, sweetheart. Two legs good, four legs bad. Looks like ole’ H.G. was right about a lot of things.”
“Did I mention the pussy, Steve? Because it’s fabulous. And I’m not talking about cats.”
“Yes, I sit on my own tail, and, no, I don’t like it. Do you like sitting in a cage?”
“Bob, the fact that the guy was totally delicious is not going to be considered a mitigating factor. It doesn’t work that way.”
“Yeah, well, Siegfried and Roy said a lot of things to a lot of people. And that was a long time ago.”
“The gig was not stupid, Bob. You know what was stupid? Eating the meerkat. That was stupid.”
