OK, if you missed Jurassic World Dominion in IMAX (I did not) thanks to my laziness, well, I apologize, but, really, it’s your own damn fault for letting the bi-coastal blue state big mouths do your thinking for you. In the future, if you get the chance to see big dinos on the big screen, don’t think! Get your ass down there ASAP!
Yes, the “plot” of JWD—an evil tech giant that is definitely not Apple is out to (what else) rule the world via giant locusts—which, if anyone knew a damn thing about spiracles, could totally not be a thing1—is just about the lamest ever—another case of “Big corporations are evil, says big corporation”—but so what? Again, dinosaurs!2
I took a look at the JP franchise back in the day in a post available at the Bright Lights Film Journal, Jurassic Parks: Stevie and the Dinosaurs, with an update for JPV on my own site. I’ll skip the plot of JWD because it’s awful, but praise the film overall for some stunning action sequences—particularly a James Bond/Ethan Hunt/Jason Borne meets the dinos sequence featuring Americans blasting around an ancient European city while being pursued by bad guys, the bad guys in this case being everybody’s favorite bad asses, velociraptors. There’s also a classy evil blonde, one of my very favorite tropes, who unfortunately gets eaten just a little bit too early in the proceedings for my taste.
JWD deserves extra credit for featuring three—count ‘em—three—kick ass black dudes/dudettes who do more than just act scared and/or get eaten—pretty much a first for the franchise, if I’ve been counting correctly. About the only downside is a painful lack of spinosauri, my absolute favorite mega-predator ever, very much resembling a cross between a T-Rex and a giant crocodile, but with enormous goblin-like forelimbs with absolutely massive claws. I was fortunate enough to see a complete skeleton of one of these wonderful beasts, which has now unfortunately but properly returned to Morocco, where it was unearthed. The Spinosaurus was featured in the least regarded JP film, but my favorite, Jurassic Park III.
On the plus side, the film does have the first screen appearance of Quetzalcoatlus, a monster pterodactyl, one of the very largest flying creatures ever, with a 33-foot wingspan, along with a whole host of scaly, snorting monsters who somehow can never resist a dramatic pause before chowing down on their helpless prey, allowing said helpless prey to somehow get away. Which is, I guess, why dinosaurs went extinct! Which is a lesson for us all, scaly or no: Eat first, pose later!
1. Insects do not have a dedicated breathing apparatus. They rely on tiny holes called “spiracles” to let the oxygen in and carbon dioxide out and thus simply cannot get very large. Current insect heavyweights weigh about four ounces, while the locusts in JWD look like they’re good for at least a pound.
2. “Everyone” thinks that Apple is being singled out here because the head bad guy is a dead ringer for Apple CEO Tim Cook. My guess is that Jurassic Park franchise owner Universal Studios, aka Comcast, feels that the real threat is not bad ass locusts but Apple TV. But, somehow, that just doesn’t resonate, nor does it provide for cool graphics, unlike big ass locust swarms.
Another quippy and well written review!