HAPPY NEW YEAR—So Not the New Yorker Once More!

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“I know it’s not much consolation, but in a lot of ways, I’m more of a prisoner than you are.”

“I think you know why you’re here. Nobody’s going to miss a couple of dumb teenagers from Hoboken? That was not smart, Larry. That was definitely not smart.”

“It’s true. Standup has worked out very well for me. But it’s not for everyone.”

“The judge is talking three to five, Larry, and I think that will work. Put on a suit, look contrite, and make damn sure you don’t unsheathe your claws.”

“I can get you community service as a mascot with the Detroit Lions. So, you know, lay off the cheerleaders.”

“If you could learn to purr, that would be great. Just remember, you’re a great big pussy cat. Think of it this way: you’re working nine to five, free meals, and no hyenas snapping at your ass. You wouldn’t choose it, but you can do it.”

“‘One man’s manslaughter is another man’s antipasto’? You have a weakness for epigrams, Larry, and it’s cost you big time.”

“I am talking to Disney, a lot, and Glee does need a lion. They just don’t know it yet.”

“It’s not going to be my book, Larry. It’s going to be our book.”

“I can’t get you a sitdown with Conan, not now. I can get you a remote with Action News. We do the remote, you act cute, it goes viral, and then I get you a sitdown with Conan. That’s how it works. Look at the damn pandas. They wrote the book on cute. Act like a damn panda, Larry, and you’ll be on Conan.”