Shockingly, politicians often change their minds, and then have to pretend that they didn’t. Ronald Reagan ran for governor of California promising to restore Californians’ God-given right to subject the sale of real property to restrictive covenants banning the sale of homes to Negroes, Catholics, Jews, Mexicans, and other undesirables, a promise that he quickly forgot once elected. As governor, he signed the most permissive abortion law in the country, and spent the rest of his career lying about it. In 1976, when farmers asked him if he was in favor of “parity” (agricultural subsidies), Reagan, who was against them, lied and said he didn’t know what “parity” meant. In 1986, struggling to maintain a Republican majority in the Senate, he bragged that his administration had given farmers more cash than all other administrations combined. As president, he swore never to negotiate with terrorists, and then negotiated with them for domestic political gain, selling arms to Iranian terrorists and using the funds to finance an illegal war in Central America, and then told endless lies to cover his tracks. When he first took office, he attempted to give tax breaks to private, segregated schools, and then lied about that when his shameless record was exposed. He swore fealty to Israel and then laid a wreath on a German World War II cemetery that contained graves of members of the SS.
But why pick on Ronnie? Uncle Georgie has a few inconsistencies of his own. In 1984, Will wrote a column praising Regan’s performance in a presidential debate, not mentioning the fact that he’d helped coach Reagan. When this was revealed, he wrote a 10,000-word “column” explaining why he was innocent. When it takes you 10,000 words to proclaim your innocence, you’re guilty.
During the Clinton years, George enjoyed many a chuckle over the “glandular Mr. Clinton.” But what about the glandular Mr. Will? George’s first wife ended their marriage by dumping a heap of his clothes in their front yard, bearing the note “Dear George: Since you don’t sleep here any more you shouldn’t keep your clothes here either.” George’s early columns used to be filled with homely accounts of his two sons, “the little Wills’s,” but such references disappeared after Mr. & Mrs. George went splitsville, to be replaced by endless tongue-clucking over irresponsible black men, who never stayed around to raise their kids. But what was forbidden to poor black men was permitted to rich white ones—at least those who wore bow ties and horn-rimmed glasses.
You get the picture, George? You’re an asshole! And, by the way, is that a toupee you’re wearing, or does your coif naturally resemble a dead muskrat?
