Have you ever wondered what would happen if Ellen DeGeneres, America’s favorite lesbian, had a mind meld with a Borscht Belt standup? OK, maybe not, but I think it might go … something like this:
Hey, what a crowd. I haven’t seen so many wooden beads since Alice B. Toklas was on This Is Your Life.
But, seriously, folks, I gotta tell you, my life is a mess. Take my bitch—Please!
How do you burn Tofu?
Humus, with bones?
And what is the deal with all the scented candles? I mean, I love new fragrances, but dead ferret?
You know, my bitch is so bow-legged, when she sits around the crisis intervention center, she really sits around the crisis intervention center.
And not too bright, my bitch, not too bright. It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
I love to travel. I just got back from the rodeo championships in Cheyenne, Wyoming. I haven’t seen so much flannel since the Dinah Shore Open.
I know you’re out there, I can smell your Old Spice.
Nice pantsuit. Who shines it for you?
How about that Annie DiFranco? Isn’t she terrific? You know, I’m not saying that Annie is busty, but I hear she gives all her old bras to Ringling Brothers.
No, she’s so busty she can do push-ups no hands.
When she went out for volley ball in high school she spiked herself.
You’ve been a great crowd! I’ll be here all week!
