1. Stuff I don’t want to see at all
Anything that “ends in tragedy.” Weddings are a biggie here, but this also applies to bar mitzvahs—not to mention bat mitzvahs—birthday parties, camping trips, dream vacations, class reunions—anything. Basically, AOL, the idea is, no tragedy. Nobody gets hurt in AOL land.
Anything that ends with the hook “and you won’t believe what happened next.” I haven’t fallen for this in a good five years, but sometimes I can’t help wondering “well, what did happen next?” I mean, suppose Anne Hathaway showed up naked? I might want to see that. But, in the past, when I’ve fallen for this, I have to click through half a dozen slow-loading sites, so slow-loading that I give up in frustration, and I never do learn what happened next.
Missing kids. I don’t want to know about missing kids. Alan Vanneman likes to believe that every kid in America is happily ensconced with his/her parents, eating popcorn (air popped so they won’t get fat) and watching re-runs of Gilligan’s Island.
2. Stuff that I don’t mind seeing, but won’t click on
Anything involving dogs, or any other pet.
Anything involving formerly beloved child stars. That adorable little tyke from Saved by the Bell? Who gives a damn?
Anything involving hot new bikinis, hot new dresses, hot new anything.
Investment advice. Warren Buffett says that dumb money that knows it’s dumb is smart. OK, I’m smart because I know I’m dumb, but even though I’m dumb I know I’m smarter than you.
3. Stuff that I might click on
Anything involving dinosaurs, whales (especially sperm whales), and giant squids.
Anything involving “interesting” new planets. These days, there are so many new planets, I need a better hook than just that it’s “new.” Artists’ “conceptions,” though they’re likely to be totally bogus, almost always help.
OK, AOL, that’s it. Let’s start making this site user-friendly MY WAY.
