Legal humor here
“Frankly, today’s umpire—and I very much consider myself an umpire of today—finds that calling balls and strikes is the least of his responsibilities. Our real function is to keep baseball vibrant and au courant by reinterpreting its traditions in light of contemporary trends—the zeitgeist of the horsehide, one might say.”
“Okay, that one was a strike, but let’s explore what we mean by ‘strike’ in a little more detail.”
“We’ll be back to today’s action in a minute, folks, but now we’ll take a little break for some sponsored content brought to you by Arnold & Ager, who remind you that if you have a cellphone, you have a lawyer. And if you have a video, we have a case.”
“We all have dreams. Some of us just want to make the team. And others of us, obviously, want to own it.”
“I know what you’re saying; ‘Whoa, Jerry! I don’t need secondary liability insurance.”
“As I’m sure you all know, the first Pee-Wee League was founded in 1952. Yet it was not until 1993 that the first Pee-Wee Agents were licensed. Today, I’m proud to say, a record 68 percent of players have licensed representation, and, looking forward, I think you’ll agree that the sky is the limit when it comes to player endorsements, franchise opportunities, and deferred compensation. Truly, our sport has come of age.”
“Sure we all want the game to go forward. But it can’t go forward until we get some clarity on after-practice treats. The current 30-burger ceiling is an anachronism and I think everyone knows it.”
“I could go on for hours, but I’ll put it in a nutshell: My ball, my rules.”
“Sure I’m a pissy little kid. But I’m a pissy little kid who has you by the balls.”
“If you want to play ball, you’re going to have to play ball with me. Or you can kiss those ESPN bucks goodbye.”
