That’s right, Republicans. That big, fat, hairy, sweaty, smelly thing that’s in your living room right now, the one that weighs, you know, 25 tons, has bad breath, and makes a lot of noise? It’s not an elephant, or a rhino, or a hippo, or even a Paraceratherium.1 It’s a quid pro quo!
Do you want to know what a quid pro quo is, Republicans? Here’s your quid pro quo: “the United States has been very, very good to the Ukraine.” That’s the quid part. “I would like you to do us a favor.” That’s the quo part. You owe us already, and if you want us not to get mad at you for being ungrateful, you will do us this favor. That’s all there is. There’s nothing more to know.
Well, there is one more thing. The good news is, despite their size, the quid pro quo, they eat no meat, nor bread, nor any other earthly food. They eat only souls. The bad news is, they’ve already eaten yours.
Afterwords
If I wanted more lessons in the perversity of human nature, though I surely don’t, I would be having a field day reading the howls of amazement coming from “the Right” over l’Affaire Ukraine. “You call that a quid pro quo? Trump’s against corruption! You think that’s a bad thing?” I’m not going to argue with idiots, but I will say that Lindsey Graham must be wishing that Trump were twins, because he can’t decide which he likes more, having Trump’s dick in his mouth or his ass.
It takes the combined efforts of New York Times scribes Kenneth P. Vogel, Julian E. Barnes, Maggie Haberman,2 and Sharon LaFraniere to fill us in on Trump’s bizarre Ukrainian obsession. Politico’s Natasha Bertrand walks us through the astonishing amount of bullshit, lies, and paranoia that Donald Trump can cram into a 30-minute phone call—and remember, this a White House-prepared “summary” of the actual call. Don’t be surprised if they left out some of the “good parts”, like the time Trump said “I want you to nail that motherfucking cocksucker’s ass to the wall!”
1. What I used to call a Baluchitherium (Word can’t spell either), a giant hornless Asian rhinoceros that was among the largest land mammals ever, weighing perhaps as much as 20 tons.
2. I must say, Maggie, you come as such a relief after all the middle initial guys. How many Kenneth Vogels and Julian Barnes work for the Times?
