I kind of miss the good old days of spam—just a little. It was like all America was one big, happy trailer park: Bigger breasts! Bigger penis! Cleaner septic tank! That’s what everyone wants, right? The under-the-counter drug ads were an additional delight: Get your meds from Mexico! Hey, hey! Excellent Zanax! Okay, getting twenty or thirty of those a day wasn’t fun, but five or ten gave you something to look forward to.
These days my emails are a lot more serious. The myriad excesses of the Bush Administration have made me a card-carrying member of the ACLU. I don’t mind the “message from the president” letters I get from the union, though I don’t always do want they want me to, and I don’t really mind that the ACLU apparently sold my name to EMILY, the women’s political group, who send me emails as well. I’ve been giving money to the Democratic National Committee for some time, and naturally they’re in touch with me on a daily basis. Back in the primary season Obama said something that irritated me enough to complain to his website, so now we’re old buddies and they write me every day too.
If you think that I’m a damn secular humanist from my mail box, well, you’d be right, but lately I’ve been branching out a little. I saw an ad from Newt Gingrich offering a free newsletter and I couldn’t resist getting the weekly word from Newt. Well, I don’t think I’ve gotten a newsletter yet from Newt—he is a busy man, after all—but the good folks at Human Events (naturally, Newt and HE are very tight) have been taking up the slack and now I’ve gotten an email from none other than Ann Coulter herself, telling me why I’ve been losing money hand over fist in the stock market. Wall Street securities and investment firms are crawling with Democrats! Believe it, dude! Let Ann herself tell it as only Ann can:
“If you’ve been wondering why the financial industry has been in meltdown—and taking your 401(k) or investment portfolio down with it—now you know.
Let’s face it: The former frat boys who populate Wall Street today understand economics about as well as the pinko professors whose courses they snored through.
That’s why betting their entire industry on “subprime” loans to people with no jobs and no collateral made sense to them[1]—and why betting the entire U.S. economy on the likes of Hillary and Obama makes sense to them now.
These jokers don’t even know what’s in their own self-interest, much less yours. Trusting them with your money is like trusting Bill Clinton to babysit your underage niece.”
So what’s a smart boy to do? Well, Ann can help. She knows this guy, well, again, why don’t I shut up and let Ann tell it: “His name is Dr. Mark Skousen—that’s ‘Dr.’ as in ‘Ph.D. in Economics and Monetary History,’ something you don’t get by playing Beer Pong with your frat buddies.”[2]
Yes, Dr. Mark has this fabulous newsletter that you can subscribe to for only $99.95 a year, a newsletter chock full of advice based on “the real laws of economics—not the warmed-over Marxism that today’s Wall Street frat boys imbibed with their warmed-over beer on the morning of their Econ 101 finals.” And, just to put the icing on the cake, the good doctor has just revealed his 7 “secret” strategies to make you 50% richer in the next two years. How cool is that?
I’m sure that Ann isn’t getting a kick back from this. I mean, surely she’s acting out of the pure generosity of her own heart, which kind of makes me embarrassed that I implied she’d given Bill Clinton a blow-job in Politics Is Murder.[3] But not a whole lot.
Ann Coulter: shrill and a shill.
[1] Yeah, this is total bullshit. Hey, it’s Ann talking.
[2] Well, what about those “pinko professors”? Didn’t they have Ph.D.s? Hey, it’s Ann talking. You shut up.
[3] It’s at the very, very end, so don’t start reading with the assumption that you’re going to get something hot and nasty up front.
