What a crowd, what a crowd. I haven’t seen so many buckle shoes since John Milton’s bar mitzvah. And I want to tell you.
John Alden is here with us tonight. Is this an ugly Puritan? Seriously, John. Lose the pointy hat. Seriously.
Why do Puritan men die before their wives? Because they want to!
Did you hear about the Puritan nymphomaniac? Every month, she had to have it.
Do we have any Indians here tonight? Hey, chief! Tell your braves to lay off my hubcaps!
I’m guessing, you’re not a Mohican. Am I correct, sir?
Just kidding, chief. Enjoy the show! Have some firewater!
How about that Hester Prynne? Isn’t she terrific? I wouldn’t mind giving her a scarlet letter, if you know what I mean.
Now, I’m not saying that Hester is busty, but I hear the Indians use all her old bras for wig-wams!
No, she’s so busty, coming over on the Mayflower they used her as a flotation device!
When she landed at Plymouth Rock, the Indians arrested her for smuggling pumpkins!
You’ve been a terrific audience! I’ll be here all winter!
