“I don’t think I hurt his feelings. I think you hurt his feelings.”
“I know, but when he looks at me with those big brown eyes, I just melt.”
“Well, she may be a whelping bitch, but she sure doesn’t look like a whelping bitch.”
“The whole rolled-up newspaper thing made a lot of sense until the Times started downsizing.”
“Face it, Brad. Your little baby is all grown up, and she doesn’t need you any more.”
“A hippo should make a statement, you know what I’m saying? When you walk into this room, you shouldn’t be asking yourself ‘What is this hippo doing here?’ You should know what she’s doing here.”
“I think she knows what she did. I think she knows very well what she did.”
“We need to set boundaries, Brad. And fast.”
“You shouldn’t show fear, but she doesn’t appreciate apathy either. Respectfully attentive about sums it up.”
“When she flattens her ears—well, if you see that, that’s the last thing you’ll ever see. So, no sudden movements. And no fat jokes.”
“Don’t refer to her in the third person. It upsets her.”
“I know it was the collie’s fault, but you know how dog people are. They anthropomorphize shamelessly. And that means no more weekend visits to Van Cortlandt Park for another six months.”
For New Yorker-approved captions, go here.
