Pseudo New Yorker

Legal humor here.

“At least you don’t have squirrels. Am I right or am I right?”

“Nah, pinching them off just stimulates new growth. You have to go for the tap root with these babies—a special little something I like to call “Essence of Beaver Tail.”

“The hell of it is, if we were just fifty miles south you’d be deciduous.”

“I’m guessing you’ve got at least a ten-stroke handicap. You play in the rough long enough, and the rough starts playing with you.”

“I guess those nicotine patches weren’t as harmless as people thought.”

“Yeah, sometimes Nature can be more provident than kind. I can’t get rid of them, but I can give you something that will keep the bugs off.”

“I’m sorry, but I have to ask this. Have you been seeing a nymph?”

“You may develop a tendency to root, so try not to stay in one spot too long.”

“Dollars to doughnuts it’s that damn sassafras tea. I’m sorry, dude, but that is no drink for a man.”

“Now, if you were a protected species, we’d be home free, but I’m afraid the hop hornbeam is pretty common in this neck of the woods.”